Firstly – I apologise that i’ve not posted in two months.
Secondly – this post is not really in any order and to be honest it doesn’t make a lot of sense but it was just something I needed to write down since I don’t have anyone I feel as though I can say this to.
Death is something I thought I was pretty good at dealing with. It happens to everyone and it’s just the way life goes. Although some deaths are unfair, for example when a child has died or someone has been robbed of their life through a crime etc, none of us can avoid it. In the last seven months myself and my family unfortunately experienced a lot of loss’. Both my grandads passed away as well as my second cousins son Jack who was only 13. Before this the only death I really had dealt with was one of my granny’s when I was 9, so in that aspect i’ve been lucky as most people have it a lot worse.
I’m not one to open up when I have a “problem” in my life, frankly because my problems are a miniscule compared to others. I’ve been so fortunate in my life in regards to being close to my family, having a good set of friends, never wanting for anything… my life I would describe as pretty much perfect. As a result i’m finding it difficult to reach out to my friends and let them know that i’m not okay.
The most recent death of my grandad has been a massive struggle for me. Firstly we, (me and my family), had no idea my grandad was sick until he was taken into hospital by my mum and uncle with a suspected urine infection. It was only once they ran some tests that we discovered that he had cancer in multiple places and he had only weeks left. My grandad was admitted into hospital on the 8th March and he sadly passed away exactly a month later on the 7th April. I can’t even begin to explain how hard that is to accept. Someone who was perfectly fit and healthy, living independently, driving his car and taking his dog for walks to suddenly be so critically ill is heart breaking.
I honestly feel so empty inside. My grandy (his nickname) and I were really close. He used to look after me a lot as a child alongside my brother and cousins and helped me through some hard times at school. He was the one who decorated my first ever bedroom, he was the one who taught me to be “lady like”, he was the one who would take me to the pantomime every single year before christmas, he was the one who saved me when I had an awful parking nightmare, he was the one who’d lend me his whole flat whenever I wanted space away from my parents and I honestly can’t believe that I wont ever see him again. My heart physically hurts.
What i’ve learnt through these difficult times is how important family is. Literally it sounds so ironic but honestly you’re family are the ones who really matter.